How to know if he has changed or not
Signs that he has changed . . .
He admits to his abusive behavior, and stops trying to blame or cover up.
- He acknowledges that all the abuse was wrong, and identifies all the ways he used to justify his abusive behavior.
- He acknowledges that his abusive behavior was not a loss of control, but a choice on his part.
- He recognizes and is able to verbalize the effects of his abuse on his spouse and children.
- He identifies attitudes of entitlement or superiority, and talks about the tactics he used in maintaining control.
- He replaces distorted thinking with a more positive and empathetic view.
- He consistently displays respectful behavior toward his spouse and children.
- He wants to make amends for the harm he has caused.
- He is committed to not repeating his past behavior, and realizes it will be a life-long process.
- He is willing to hear feedback and criticism, is honest about his failures, and is willing to be held accountable for abusive thinking and behavior.
- He is willing to wait however long it takes for trust in him to be rebuilt, and does not exert pressure for forgiveness or reconciliation.
- He does not say or do things that threaten or frighten.
- He listens and respects opinions, even if he disagrees.
- He listens to expressions of anger or frustration toward him without retaliatory punishment or abuse.
- He respects a "no" in all situations, including physical contact.
- He does not prevent or punish for time spent with friends and family.
- He is willing to continue counseling as long as it is necessary.
- He does not blame, but takes responsibility for his actions/bad behavior.
- He is kind and attentive instead of being demanding and controlling.
- He does not take out his frustration or anger on his spouse or children.
- He admits to his mistakes and takes the responsibility for changing abusive behavior.
He has not changed if . . .
- He demands an accounting of times and places.
- He uses excuses or blame for his bad behavior.
- He continues to use sarcasm or verbal abuse, talks down, shows disrespect or superiority.
- He does not respond well to complaints or criticism of his behavior.
- He continues to undermine the authority and credibility of his spouse.
- He continues to show the same mindset about women.
- He criticizes his spouse for not realizing how much he has changed.
- He uses guilt to manipulate others.
- He does not faithfully attend his treatment program.
- He will not admit to his abuse.
- He tries to convince others he is not the abusive or crazy one.